For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
THINGS I HAVE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN:
Children think crayons are makeup for pets and smaller children.
Mom's tops fit the pet dog.
Dogs have a lot of hair on them that sheds into mom's tops and takes a long time to remove.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.
Tweezers, razors and scissors should not be left around the house.
Given time all hair grows back in again, even tweezed eyebrows.
Irish Setters do not look good with poodle haircuts.
Shorthaired dogs when shaved look like giant rats.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When a ceiling fan is a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
If a child holds its breath its ok to let them hold it and pass out as they will begin to breathe again once they have passed out.
A child will not go through this experience twice - good thing - or next time you might need a doctor for mom.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A 6-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department has a 5-minute response time.
Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
A large gumball can be removed by turning a choking blue child completely upside down and slapping their back.
Don't let a child brush your daughter's long hair unless you want the brush cut out of it.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR's do not eject Peanut Butter & Jam sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Tools in the hands of a child can create a lot of repair jobs.
There are extra parts left out of a radio when it is put back together.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odour is.
If you do find out what that odour is you probably don't want to touch it.
The 'thing' causing that odour is probably either eating a permanent hole in your wood floor or staining your new rug.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Most things will pass through the digestive tract of a 5-year-old child including pennies, leggos and marbles.
When a child throws a screaming, crying, temper tantrum in public you might just as well discipline the child. All the evil looks you get from people say that you already have because of your child's behaviour.
A child loves to share, just look at all the food on the floor for the family pet.
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