Angel's Craft
Jokes ~ Battle of the Sexes #1 -
10
[1]
A
guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how
she liked the game.
"I
liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25
cents," she said.
"What
do you mean?" he asked.
"Well,
everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!' "
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[2]
A
man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman.
She takes one look at him and says, "You sir, are drunk!"
He
looks back at her and says, "And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up,
I will be sober!"
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[3]
A
man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She called the
obituary department and said, "This is what I want to print: Bernie is
dead."
The
man at the newspaper said, "But for $25 you are allowed to print six
words."
The
woman answered, "OK. Then print: 'Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale.' "
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[4]
One
day, a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it
vigorously and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you your fondest wish,"
the genie said.
The
man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job - a job
that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."
"Done!"
said the genie. "You're a housewife." (POOF).
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[5]
A
man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.
She
charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After
the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson
a pig?"
The
judge said that was true.
"Does
this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The
judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of
legal action.
The
man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs.
Johnson."
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[6]
Once
upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve. He would
complain about everything. That day he went to their creek with his mule. He
complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.
At
the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and
every time the women walked by she shook her head no.
The
minister asked "Why are you shaking your head 'yes' for men and 'no' for
women?"
Her
response was, "The men would say how sorry they felt for me and I was
saying, 'Yes, I'll be alright.' When the women walked by, they were asking if
the mule is for sale...."
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[7]
A
couple has not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll
buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."
Well,
you can imagine her disappointment.
The
next year, her birthday rolls around again and he doesn't get her anything.
She
says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present?"
He
says, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
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[8]
A
man's car was stalled in the middle of a busy street, and the woman behind him honked
continuously as he tried to restart it. Finally, the man got out and walked to
the woman's car.
"I
can't seem to get my car started," the man said, smiling. "If you'll
go and start it for me, I'll stay here and lean on your horn."
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[9]
Ninety-four-year-old
Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer's office one Monday morning. "I want
you to begin divorce proceedings," she announced.
The
lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said, "Mrs. Hatcher,
you and your husband have been married for over seventy years. What in the
world could have happened to make you want to get divorced at this stage in
your life?"
Mrs.
Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her throat and said,
"We wanted to wait until all the children were dead."
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[10]
An
elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she
got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The
officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The
woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man
yelled, "He says you were speeding!"
The
patrolman said, "May I see your license?" The woman turned to her
husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He
wants to see your license!" The woman gave him her license.
The
patrolman said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once
and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The
woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The
old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"
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