Angel's Craft
DAM CONTROL or THE WEDDING TRAP
It
all started on the fifth day of June at six a.m. when the four of us awoke to a
beautiful day with the sun shining brightly. With one untrained pup we
proceeded to get ready for our four hour trip up north to my cousin's wedding.
We ate, showered, dressed and used the facility before we walked the untrained
pup. She did her business quite willingly before we all climbed into the car
eager and ready for out trip. Ugh!
The
driver had been to a field party the night before and didn't feel well.
Too
bad! She should have known better at this age I thought.
At
7:45 a.m. we left home.
Twenty
minutes into the drive and we stopped at a Tim Horton's drive through for a
much needed coffee fix.
Yum!
It really tasted good!
Then
we proceeded eastward across highway number eight-nine, back on our route for
the rest of the three hour and forty minute trip.
Fifteen
minutes later, a quick swerve to the right side of the road and the driver
jumped out to disgorge her still undigested coffee.
I
was surely glad she was out of the car.
Back
on the road and the driver's colour now an iridescent bilious green. She seemed
to feel a little better.
Is this a moment to remind her that I told her so? But maybe not?
Silently I thought.
Half
an hour later and the untrained pup whined so we pulled over to let her do her
business.
We
walked her for fifteen minutes but she was unproductive! We used this time for
a pit stop for ourselves instead.
Almost
another hour later and we found ourselves at our usual stop at the corners of
highways eight-nine and the four hundred.
We
grabbed water, found relief, walked the unproductive pup again and climbed into
the car going northbound on the four lane hyper-link roadway. We were heading
toward the land of great weight loss from the flesh sucking vampirous black
flies.
Everyone,
quite crusty from the early rise, distributed vocal explosive remarks at each
other, setting the mood for the day.
Two
and a half hours later, with all family member's body parts still intact, we
arrived at Grandma and Grandpa's house.
The
wiggling and still whiny, unproductive, non-obliging, nippy little pup got out
of the car and relieved herself then and there. Both jobs.
She
must have recognized this as a friendly family member's yard. I left it right
there since fertilizer is hard to come by up there.
We
each grabbed our gear and invaded the house just barely on speaking terms.
Wow!
Grandma as cooking lunch for us. Great!
It's
not very often that lunch is made for me. I usually have to initiate it. What a
treat, even if it is only hot dogs.
Wrinkled
clothes are out of fashion, so I ironed them all.
Time
was running out on this very hot day, so we put on our still steaming clothes,
jumped into the car, transfered the pup into Grandma and Grandpa's good care,
and left - ready for the rest of the peaceful day.
OH.
No. I forgot to go!
The
distance to the site of the ceremony grounds was further than we thought, even
though the map that came with the invitation stated that it was shorter. The
map was wrong!
We
arrived at five minutes to three. The ceremony was at three so we parked and
headed in the direction that the attendant directed us.
We
scooted past several cottages before arriving at the far end of the peninsula
where the service was to take place. I felt exhausted from the jog, especially
in high heels that now felt like cement blocks due to the fact that the spikes
were carrying about ten pounds each of stuck on dirt. I prayed that I would
have enough strength in my legs after the jog to keep the shoes on as I walked
around to find a chair to sit down on, and hide my feet under.
The
ceremony was to be held at the end of the peninsula on Loon Lake which provided
a very picturesque view this time of year. The actual name of the peninsula was
Sunrise Point for obvious reasons, but I think now that Loony Point would have
been a far better name.
Ten
past three, and the service hadn't started yet.
There
were maybe twenty people on the groom's side and only the four of us on the
bride's. Strange I thought, but was quite sure the other guests would arrive at
any moment.
As
I started to relax from my long distance run, I felt nature calling.
What
do I always tell my kids at this point? "YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE BEFORE WE
LEFT THE HOUSE."
Oh
well, it won't be long now, so I thought.
Thinking
of nature, it was all around us in great abundance, creating beauty in the
outdoors. Quite a place for beautiful memories to be made for the bride and
groom, so I thought. Swat! I killed a mosquito. Then another, and another dive
bombed me. Then the black flies started to take advantage of us, being the
fresh meat that had newly arrived. Sweat, as my new fragrance, just attracted
more than I had bargained for in the mighty jaws that awaited my succulent
uncovered skin. There were more bugs than anyone could stand.
Weight
Watchers could make a bundle up here from people wanting to lose pounds the
fast and easy way. This was much cheaper than booking time in the E.R. at the
expense of insurance and the already stressed medical system. I'd better not
tell anyone about this, I decided, as they might tell the Minister of Health
and he would save millions, whereas I could make billions if I sold my idea to
Weight Watchers. If only I could first figure out how I could harness these
little critters so that they could not fly away.
A
person being bitten by the little vampires in certain areas could not scratch
or hit at oneself without being called a pervert.
A
few pounds lighter and another hour later, the groom arrived.
He
started to decorate the black dull trellis.
Confused,
I inconspicuously tried to look at what my invitation stated.
Yup!
Three o'clock was written on it.
Finally
the groom was finished decorating the trellis and the guests on his side of the
aisle were staring at us. I wondered if it was because we were sitting on the
bride's side and she was an hour and a fifteen minutes late or because I was
fidgeting around so much? Maybe they thought I had some nervous disorder?
Little did they realize I was holding back the Hoover Dam!
Four-thirty
and the bride and her maids finally arrived. Then they proceeded down the
aisle. The little ring bearer was ouch-ing and ow-ing the whole way up the dirt
aisle. His shoes were too small.
Poor
little chap, I thought, as I squirmed in my seat.
I
began hoping the ceremony would be a short one so that I could find relief from
my intense call from nature. Besides, the invitation said the dinner was to
follow at 5 p.m. - they had half an hour.
Finally
the event started …
NO!
I mean matrimonial service. The extra fluid must be backing up into my brain
for me to think like that.
The
ordeal was at least half finished. Pardon me, I mean service.
At
some point I stopped listening to the service. I was absorbed in my despair.
Then I realized the service had come to a standstill. I focused enough through
water filled eyes to notice the bride turn and run down the 'aisle' to the
furthest cottage from Sunrise Point!
She
had stopped the service just to go to the bathroom. I was envious and wanted to
follow her.
To
top things off, the bride's maid and ring bearer suddenly turned and ran off
down the 'aisle' as well, with him ouch-ing and ow-ing the whole way.
Why
didn't they just let the kid take his shoes off? It would have been faster.
Twenty
minutes later and the bride and her companions returned to carry on the ordeal.
By this time I could no longer focus my eyes - they were bulging I am sure from
holding back the Denver Dam.
Finally
it was all over.
They
were married and we hurridly spoke our congratulations and headed out to town
for the dinner and reception that was to follow - about a twenty-five minute
ride away. I began to pray there were no bumps in the road, as I didn't have a
change of clothes with me. We arrived at the Legion Hall in town. I got out of
the car and made a bee line straight for the ladies room, and found relief from
my dam.
Geeeeeeeeeeeeee!
As
I waited for the dam waters to quit releasing I was thinking that I could teach
the pup that we left at the Grandparent's house a bit about dam control, but
then I started to wonder if she hadn't taught me.
I
just knew that this was the start of a more peaceful evening. With a few
drinks, a nice supper, and a little dancing … or so I thought. The start of a
whole new saga.
But
for now I noticed there was no toilet paper, and no one in the building within
calling distance. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Written
by Bonnie
Note:
Bonnie
is my real flesh and blood sister as some of you may realize [we share the same
quirky and hilarious sense of humour as those who know me well can attest too.
:} Believe me, what she wrote here is about a real wedding for a cousin. Hmmm,
on the other hand, maybe I shouldn't admit to that? People might wonder what we
are like… lol I am trying to persuade my sister to write about the rest of this
er, um, eh? 'ceremonial event' ? You might want to have your hankies ready for
more tears of laughter for the fiasco that was to follow - it was called a
'dinner' or something like that, but I think a more appropriate term might be,
'wedding party in need finds the bride's side of family members volunteering to
help out while wearing their Sunday finery because nothing is prepared for the
waiting guests or wedding party to eat - and two sisters and their families and
the bride's mom make a so-called-meal for all'. hehehe
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