Angel's Craft
Jokes to Tickle Your Funny Bone #1 - 25
[1]
A
honeymooning couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington.
The
bride is concerned about the room being bugged.
The
groom says, "I'll look for a bug."
He
looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. "A-HA!"
Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife,
unscrews the screws, and throws them and the disc out the window.
The
next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room?
How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The
groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The
hotel manager says, "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier
falling on them!"
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[2]
There
once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.
When
he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are
big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in
Texas."
When
he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the
bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed,
"Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is
big in Texas."
After
a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was
located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The
blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally entered the third door,
which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared
to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
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[3]
One
day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord
Himself.
The
Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I
can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."
The
cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a
poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The
Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy
pillow appears.
A
few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of
them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The
mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from
cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired
of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to
run anymore?"
The
Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new
roller skates.
About
a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the
pillow.
The
Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got
here?"
The
cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than
I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by
are the best!"
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[4]
A
young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the
next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds over
each bird and only the legs showing.
He
sat right in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The
professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and
give the common name, habitat, genus, species, and identifying characteristic.
The
student looked at each set of bird legs. They all looked the same to him. He
began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying, and now he had to
identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got.
Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore.
He
went to the professor's desk and said "What a stupid test! How could
anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With
that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked out the
door.
The
professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every
student's name, so as the student reached the door, the professor called out
"One moment, son, what's your name?"
The
enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, "You guess buddy! You
guess!"
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[5]
A
minister would up the services one morning by saying, "next Sunday I am going
to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for
my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of
Mark."
On
the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin, and said, "Now, then,
all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of
Mark, please raise your hands."
Nearly
every hand in the congregation went up.
Then
said the preacher, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no
seventeenth chapter of Mark."
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[6]
The
bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great
difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself
up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down
the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded,
so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The
next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved
very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti.
He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of
the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of
Chianti, too.
The
third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and
hollered, "Barkeeper, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down
there?" The barkeeper nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold
one, too.
As
Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said,
"For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength
come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched
the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The
Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did
a flip out the door.
Jesus
walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed,
"Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"
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[7]
A
man's car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came
along and stopped beside him.
"Your
trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.
Startled,
the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the
farmer his story.
"Was
it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the
farmer.
"Yes,
yes," the man replied.
"Oh,
I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know
anything about cars."
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[8]
The
hotel bartender was cleaning up from the night before and getting ready for the
next night. The phone rang just after lunch and a man asked him, "When is
the bar going to open?" and the bartender replied, "Not for several
hours yet sir" and the man hung up. The bartender continued about his
business.
A
few hours later the man phoned back and sounded like he may have had a drink.
"What time does the bar open?" he asked. The bartender replied,
"Not for some time yet sir." "Ok" said the man and hung up.
A
while later the phone rang again and there was no mistaking this time that the
man had had something to drink. The man asked the bartender is the bar would be
opening soon and the bartender replied, "Not yet sir, not for a couple
more hours." The man hung up.
A
few hours later the phone rang again. It was the same man and he had definitely
been into the alcohol as his words were slurred. "What time dush the bar
open?" he asked and the bartender again replied, "Not for a while
yet, sir." Thinking the man must be in some sort of need for alcohol the
bartender said, "Sir if you really want to have something from the bar and
don't want to wait for it to open, give me your room number and I'll send
something up."
The
man replied, "I don't want to get in, I want to get out."
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[9]
A
doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the
other end of the line.
"We
need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll
be right over," whispered the doctor.
As
he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh
yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are
three doctors there already!"
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[10]
We
noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in
their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why.
"As
a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the
most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters
carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced."
As
he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants.
So, we asked about that.
"Sir,
that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we
use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop
to wash our hands."
We
replied, "I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do
you get yourself back in?"
"Well,"
replied the waiter, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two
spoons!"
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[11]
A
carpet layer had worked all day installing wall-to-wall carpeting. When he
noticed a lump under the carpet in the middle of the living room, he felt his
shirt pocket for his cigarettes--they were gone.
He
was not about to pull the carpet back up, so he went outside for a two-by-four.
Stamping down cigarettes with it would be easy. Once the lump was smoothed, the
man gathered up his tools and carried them to his truck.
Then
two things happened simultaneously. He saw his cigarettes on the seat of the
truck, and over his shoulder he heard the voice of the woman to whom the carpet
belonged. "Have you seen anything of my parakeet? He got out of his
cage." she asked plaintively.
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[12]
When
Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the
town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming
from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the
priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard
some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened,
the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he
bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes,
that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He
listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's
backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening;
"There's the Seventh...the Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the
realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and
announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow
citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
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[13]
A
man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options
were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly
agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering
that money was no object.
"I
do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year
old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on
the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner,
24 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000.
The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, and a steak lover. It's
$500,000."
"Hey,
why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"
"Yeah,
but it's from a lawyer and never been used."
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[14]
Two
men were riding a motorcycle on a windy winter day. When it became too breezy
for one man, he put his jacket on backwards to keep the wind from blowing it
open.
A
few miles down the road, the motorcycle hit a tree, killing the driver and
stunning the man with the backward coat.
Later,
when the coroner visited the scene, he asked a rookie policeman standing
nearby: "What happened?"
"Well,
the officer replied, "one of them was dead when I got here, and by the
time I got the head of the other one straightened around, he was dead,
too."
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[15]
One
day, at a local restaurant, a woman suddenly called out, "My son's choking!
He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"
A
man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at
this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern, wrapped his
hands around the boy's gonads and squeezed. Out popped the quarter.
The
man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank
you so much!" the mother cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No,"
replied the man, "I work for the IRS."
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[16]
Joe
and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to
the weather report on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow
today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said.
"You
must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Joe said,
"Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.
The
next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather
forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow
emergency has been declared.
You
must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Again Joe
replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.
Two
days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the
weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a
snow emergency has been declared.
You
must park your cars on the..." and the power went out and Joe didn't get
the rest of the instructions.
He
turned to Joan, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Joan?"
Joan
replied, "Aw, Joe, just leave the car in the darned garage today."
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[17]
70-year
old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal
results.
Dr.
Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing
mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a
good relationship with God?"
George
replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's
fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom
*poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off."
"Wow!"
commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A
little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Ethel,"
he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call
because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up
during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he
is through *poof* the light goes off?"
Ethel
exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
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[18]
3
guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St.
Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before
I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in
Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your
answer."
The
first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you
married?"
The
first guy says, "24 years."
"Did
you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7
times...but you said I was forgiven."
Peter
said, "Yes, but that's not very good. Here's a Pinto to drive."
The
second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter.
The
second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but
that was our first year and we really worked it out good."
Peter
said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."
The
3rd guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was
married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife
like a queen!"
Peter
said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"
A
few days later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the
Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar
what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a
skateboard!"
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[19]
Two
football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they
failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big
game the following week. The exam was "fill in the blank" and the
last question read, "Old MacDonald had a_____." Bubba was stumped --
he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to
be sure he passed.
Making
sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder. "Tiny,
what's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny
laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed. He
turned to Bubba and said, "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows that
Old MacDonald had a FARM."
"Oh
yeah," said Bubba, "I remember now." he picked up his No. 2
pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny
on the shoulder, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You
are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy," hissed Tiny, "farm is
spelled 'E-I-E-I-O'."
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[20]
St.
Peter met three men at the pearly gates after they died. St. Peter asked the
first man if he had ever cheated on his income taxes and the man said, 'yes, he
had for several years' so St. Peter told him that for his punishment he would
have to sleep with a really ugly woman for the next ten years.
St.
Peter then asked the next man the same question - the second man also said,
'yes, he had for a couple of years' so St. Peter told him he would have to
sleep with a real ugly woman for the next seven years as his punishment.
When
he asked the third man he said, 'yes, he had too but only once' so St. Peter
told the man he would have to sleep with an ugly woman as punishment for the
next three years.
So
each of the men were given an ugly woman to sleep and have sex with.
The
three men decided to hang out together and a few days later as they were
walking along they came across an old friend named Archie with the most
gorgeous woman they had ever seen. They went up to talk to their friend and
asked him how he was doing as they all eyed the gorgeous woman.
Archie
said he couldn't believe heaven could ever be so good. He'd had a gorgeous
woman to go to bed with every night for the past five years and said with a
wink that, 'you know,' was something he had every night.
He
winked his eye again and said he was having the best, 'you know', he had ever
had in his life since coming to heaven. Archie said the only problem was, that
after, 'you know', he'd swear that she'd roll over and mumble something that
sounded like 'damn income taxes'.
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[21]
"It's
just a cold," the doctor said. "There is no cure, and you'll just
have to live with it until it goes away."
"But
Doctor," the patient whined, "it's making me so miserable."
The
doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Then he said, "Look, go home
and take a hot bath. Then put a bathing suit on and run around the block three
or four times."
"What!"
the patient exclaimed. "I'll get pneumonia!"
"We
have a cure for pneumonia," the doctor said.
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[22]
A
man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of wine. He took a sip of the wine,
then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could
recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I
keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have
a compulsion like this.
"Far
from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting
that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem. "I happen to have the
name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife
have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they come."
The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left.
The
bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six
months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the
bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine. "I certainly did,"
the man said. I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week."
He
took a sip of the wine. He then threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The
flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem
to be doing you any good," he spluttered.
"On
the contrary," the man replied. "He's done me a world of good."
"But
you just threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.
"Yes,"
the man said. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"
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[23]
An
angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub,
so one night he took her along.
"What'll
ya have?" he asked.
"Oh,
I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied.
So
the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one gulp.
His
wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out.
"Yuck, that's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how
you can drink this stuff!"
"Well,
there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying
myself every night!"
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[24]
An
airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the
basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The
airhead counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying.
"Um ... 22."
The
interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you
tell us your height, please?"
The
young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then
traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She
checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"
This
isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the
she won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our
records, your name please?"
The
airhead bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something
silently to herself, before replying, "Jenny!"
The
interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were
you doing when I asked you your name?"
"Oh,
that!" replies the airhead," I was just running through that song,
'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'"
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[25]
While
cruising at thirty thousand feet, the airplane shuddered. A passenger looked
out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed. "One of the engines
just blew up!"
Other
passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was
rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The
passengers were in a panic now, and even the flight attendants couldn't
maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot
strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry
about.
His
words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they
sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he
grabbed several
packages
from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.
Each
crew member attached the package to his or her back.
"Say,"
spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The
pilot said they were.
The
passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry
about?"
"There
isn't," replied the pilot as the third engine exploded. "We're going
to get help."
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