Angel's Craft
Jokes to Tickle Your Funny Bone #26 - 50
[26]
A
golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he'd just escaped
a tornado.
“What's
wrong?” a woman asked.
“I
just lost a game to Houlihan,” the pro said.
“What?
But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?”
“He
tricked me,” the pro said. “On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told
him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes - any handicap he wanted. He said, ‘Just
give me two gotchas’ ”
“What's
a gotcha?” asked the woman.
“That's
what I wanted to know,” the pro said. “Houlihan said, ‘You'll see.’ Then, as I
was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he screamed out ‘Gotcha!” ”
“I
can guess what happened," the woman said.
“Sure,”
the pro said. “The scream threw me off, and I missed the ball completely.”
“Understandable,”
the woman said. “But still, that's only one swing. How did he win the game?”
The
pro answered, “You try swinging at a golf ball while waiting for that second
‘gotcha!’ ”
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[27]
A
young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was
retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so
the community could become used to a new doctor.
At
the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my
stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been
overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating
and see if that does the trick?"
As
they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd
you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I
didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there?
When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the
trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh,"
the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next
house."
Arriving
at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman.
She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm
feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've
probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told
her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As
they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly
correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well,
just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to
retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
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[28]
A
nice young worker from the post office was sorting through her regular
envelopes when she discovered a letter addressed as follows: GOD c/o Heaven
Upon
opening the envelope, the letter enclosed told about a little old lady who had
never asked for anything in her life. She was desperately in need of $100 and
was wondering if God could send her the money.
The
young lady was deeply touched, and she passed the hat among her work mates. She
managed to collect $90, and she sent it off to the old lady.
A
few weeks later another letter arrived addressed in the same way to God, so the
young lady opened it. The letter read, "Thank you for the money, God, I
deeply appreciate it. However, I received only $90. It must have been those
jerks at the post office."
____________________________
[29]
It's
Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he
realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing
machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and
phones home.
"Hello?"
says a little girl's voice.
"Hi,
honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No,
Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
After
a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"
"Yes,
I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay,
then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on
the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled
up outside the house."
"Okay,
Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And
what happened?"
"Well,
Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug
and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh,
my God! What about Uncle Fred?"
"He
jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window
into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all
the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's
dead too."
There
is a long pause.
"Swimming
pool? Is this 555-3096?"
____________________________
[30]
A
man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house
that he used to do.
When
the exam was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain
English what is wrong with me."
"Well,
in plain English," the doctor said, "you're just lazy."
"Okay,"
said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
____________________________
[31]
A
man was in a car dealership when a large motor home was towed into the garage.
The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing
generally looked like an extra in "Twister". He asked the manager
what had happened.
The
manager told him that the owner had been driving down the highway when he got
hungry, so he had set the motor home on "cruise control" and then
went into the back to make a sandwich...
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[32]
Freddie
was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately,
he wasn't especially bright. He had just started his first job, as a delivery
boy and general go-fer at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out
for coffee.
He
walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman
finally noticed him, he held up the thermos.
"Is
this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he said.
The
counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally
said, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Good,"
Freddie said. "Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."
____________________________
[33]
Ed
arrived home some six hours late from his usual Saturday golf foursome. Edna,
his wife, immediately lit into him: "You have some nerve leaving me home
alone all day. I had to cancel dinner with our friends and send the baby sitter
home. You better have a good explanation, mister!"
Flustered,
Ed told Edna that their game was interrupted by the untimely sudden death of
Stan, one of their playing partners. "Edna, honey, Stan died of a massive
heart attack just as we were about to tee off on two. If there's a silver
lining, it's that he went suddenly doing what he loved best."
Saddened,
Edna comforted her husband, "I'm so sorry. But tell me something,"
Edna asked, with a note of anger returning to her voice, "If he died on
the first tee, what took you so long?"
"Well,"
said Ed, "for the next seventeen holes it was the same thing: Hit the ball
and drag Stan, Hit the ball and drag Stan."
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[34]
A
farmer stood leaning on a fence at the edge of his property. He watched as a
red sports car came over the top of a hill and followed the road up to the spot
where he stood.
The
driver pulled over to the side of the road and called out to the farmer.
"Do
you know how I can get to Route 91?" the driver asked.
The
farmer thought for a few seconds. Then he said, "Nope."
"Do
you know where the nearest turnpike entrance is?" the driver asked.
"Nope."
"How
about the town of Hadley. Do you know which direction it is from here?"
"Nope."
Exasperated,
the driver raced his engine. "You don't know very much, do you?" he
said.
"Nope,"
the farmer replied. "But I'm not lost.
____________________________
[35]
The
reception area of the doctor's office was filled to capacity, but the doctor
was working at his usual snail's pace. After waiting two hours, an old man
slowly stood up and headed for the door.
When
everyone stopped talking to look at him, he announced, "I guess I'll just
go home and die a natural death."
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[36]
Several
years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and
turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I
do?"
"Just
use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With
that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the
photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
____________________________
[37]
On
a stifling hot day, a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. As
traffic began to pile up in all directions, a woman rushed to help him. As she
knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her
aside, and said, "It's all right, honey. I've had a course in first
aid."
She
stood up and watched as he took the man's pulse and prepared to administer
artificial respiration. Then she tapped him on the shoulder.
"When
you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I'm already
here."
____________________________
[38]
I
harried driving instructor came home from work, kicked off his shoes, and fell
into a chair. "I'm thinking of taking six or seven of my students to
England," he said.
"What
on earth for?" his wife asked.
"It
might make them feel good to see what it's like to drive on the left side of
the road-legally."
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[39]
Milo
passed away and Bud called 911. The 911 operator told Bud that she would send
someone out right away.
"Where
do you live?" asked the operator.
Bud
replied, "At da end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The
operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There
was a long pause and finally Bud said, "How 'bout if I drag 'er over to
Oak Street and you pick her up der?"
____________________________
[40]
The
doctor handed her overweight patient a bottle of pills.
"Don't
take these pills," she said. "Spill them on the floor three times a
day and pick them up one by one."
____________________________
[41]
A
young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The
manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and
said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But
I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh,
I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the
broom - I'll show you how."
____________________________
[42]
When
the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was
bandaged. Before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some
very good news for him.
"Guess
what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit
we've had so long!"
"Do
you mean that repulsive pink and blue double-breasted thing?" the manager
asked.
"That's
the one!"
"That's
great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that
monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why
is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh,"
the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit
me."
____________________________
[43]
In
San Francisco, a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into a
local branch and wrote, "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this
bag."
While
standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry
that someone had seen him write the note and that they might call the police
before he even reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and
crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After
waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller.
She read it, noticing all of his spelling errors. She quickly surmised that he
wasn't the brightest light in the harbor.
Then
she told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written
on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a
Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking
somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller
then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting
in line back at Bank of America.
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[44]
Nick
and Lou head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they
decide to play only 9 holes. Nick says to Lou, "Let's say we make the time
worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for
the day." Lou agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Lou
is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
"Help
me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Nick. After 5 minutes,
neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty,
Lou pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found
my ball!" he announces triumphantly.
Nick
looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd
cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"
"What
do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"
"And
a liar, too!" Nick says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been
standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"
____________________________
[45]
A
Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see
what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes
across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he
thinks, so he takes it home with him.
While
polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
"I
wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"
POOF!
A
Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at
once.
Now
that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be
on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."
POOF!
Suddenly
he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He
then tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to
work ever again."
POOF!
He's
back in his government office.
____________________________
[46]
Dentist
to Patient: "Would you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest,
most painful screams?"
Patient:
"Why, Doc? It isn't all that bad this time."
Dentist:
"There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want
to miss the 5 o'clock football game."
____________________________
[47]
Only
in America ... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well:
'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
____________________________
[48]
Two
old friends met on the street and one invited the other to dinner. "We
live in apartment 12B," he said. "Just lean on the bell with your elbow."
"Why
should I use my elbow?" the other asked.
"You
weren't thinking of coming empty-handed, were you?"
____________________________
[49]
Two
confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from
politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first,
"but I could never do anything with it."
"Too
much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You
said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish
and...' "
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[50]
Two
men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to
the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last
rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had
been said among the participants.
The
warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last
request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance
music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden.
He
turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is
your final request?" "Please," said the condemned man,
"kill me first."
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