Angel's Craft
Jokes to Tickle Your Funny Bone #51 - 75
[51]
Jimmy
is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Jimmy just
dates and dates.
Finally
a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect
woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No,"
Jimmy replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home
to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen,"
his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear
ole Mother?"
Many
weeks go by and again Jimmy and his friend get together. "So, Jimmy, did
you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your Mother?"
Jimmy
shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My Mother loved her,
they quickly became friends."
"Are
you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm
afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"
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[52]
A
psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a
gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The
psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."
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[53]
One
morning a girl, called her friend and said, "Please come over and help me,
I have this awesome jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start
it".
The
friend asked, "What is it a puzzle of?"
The
girl said, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
The
friend figures that she's pretty good at puzzles so she heads on over the
girl's house.
The
girl lets her friend in the door and shows her where she has the puzzle spread
all over the table. The friend studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the
box, and then she looks at the pieces again for a bit.
The
friend then turns to the girl and says, "First, no matter what I do, I'm
not going to be able to show you how to assemble these pieces to look like the
picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee,
and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
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[54]
A
day in the life of a busy executive, as reflected in responses to telephone
calls:
"He
hasn't come in yet."
"I
expect him any minute."
"He's
in, but he's in conference."
"He's
out to lunch."
"I
expect him back any minute."
"He's
somewhere in the building. His coat is here."
"He
came back to the office, but now he's at a meeting."
"He's
gone for the day."
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[55]
It
was a conference title game, and the sportscaster had mentioned several times
that the place had been sold out long before game time. As he called the
play-by-play, however, he kept noticing a single empty seat directly below his
booth.
The
empty seat was bothering him, so he sent an assistant downstairs to find out
what was going on.
"Pardon
me, sir," the assistant said to the man sitting next to the seat. "Do
you happen to know why this seat is empty?"
"Yeah.
It's my wife's seat."
"And
why is it empty?"
"She
died."
"Oh.
I'm sorry to hear that. But couldn't you get a friend to come to the game with
you today?"
"Impossible,"
the man said. "They're all at her funeral."
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[56]
I
recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need
some help?" I asked.
She
replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door
opener. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant
convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm,
I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No,
just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As
I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don't you drive
over there and check about the batteries it's a long walk.”
____________________________
[57]
"Brunette,
Redhead and a Blonde"
A
Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the
roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in.
The
firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to
survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away.
The Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon!
Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're
gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.
"No!
It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"
"OK,"
says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and
the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally,
the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump!
You have to jump!"
"No
way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.
"No!
Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"\
"Look,"
the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not
gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down,
and back away from it..."
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[58]
An
old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper.
"You
were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a
ticket."
"Yep,"
the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.
"These
flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.
"Yep,"
the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."
"What's
a circle fly?"
"Them
flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the farmer. "Them are
circle flies."
"You
wouldn't be calling me a horse's rear, would you?" the trooper angrily
asked.
"Nope,
I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them
flies."
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[59]
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on
an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was
blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up
to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There
ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened
her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights
still behind him.
"What
in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The
cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the
car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel
like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I
haven't heard before you can go!"
"Last
week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you
were trying to give her back!"
"Have
a nice night", said the officer.
____________________________
[60]
It
was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As
I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little
boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It
sure is," I replied.
Puzzled,
the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said,
"What'd he do?"
____________________________
[61]
A
guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing
at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and
starts spraying scent all over them.
His
curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him
what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards
signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man.
"I'm
a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
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[62]
A
man went to McDonald's. He looked at the menu and saw that you could have an
order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. He asked for a half - dozen nuggets.
"We
don't have a half - dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You
don't?" the man said perplexed.
"We
only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So
I can't order a half - dozen nuggets, but I can order six?", the man said.
"That's
right."
So
he shook his head and ordered six McNuggets.
____________________________
[63]
An
artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings
on display at that time.
"I
have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is
that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate
in value after your death.
When
I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's
wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The
guy was your doctor."
____________________________
[64]
A
woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the roulette she says,
"I have no idea what number to play."
A
young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.
Smiling
at the man, she puts her money on number 32.
The
wheel is spun, and 41 comes up.
The
smile drifted from the woman's face and she fainted.
____________________________
[65]
A man was robbing a house in the middle of
the night. All of a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out.
"Jesus
is gonna get you." The robber ignored it, and takes the TV.
Again,
the parrot cries out. "Jesus is gonna get you."
The
robber started to get a little worried and asks, "What's your name,
birdie?"
"Moses."
"What
dummy named you Moses?"
"The
same dummy who called his Rottweiler Jesus."
____________________________
[66]
A
guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the living
room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks.
As
he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He
picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He
says, "What's this?"
She
says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He
turns beat red in horror and goes, "Geez, oh.. I..."
She
says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
____________________________
[67]
A
lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining
something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he
finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.
"Well,"
said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
"Let
me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his
thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he finally said,
"it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it
is. Where did you get it?"
"From
my nose," the drunk replied.
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[68]
On
the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of
the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught
breaking this rule will be fined $40 the first time."
He
continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be
fined $90. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200. Are there
any questions?"
At
this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season
pass?"
____________________________
[69]
A
lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable
damage. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that
there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.
"Sorry.
I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding
and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars.
But I'm not."
____________________________
[70]
Old
Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
"It's
terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I
see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Naturally,"
she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and
again at night."
"No,"
the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally,"
she answered, "I take a book."
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[71]
A
defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt,
but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing
that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies
and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said
as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in
this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom
door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed.
Nothing happened.
Finally
the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all
looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable
doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a
verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.
A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But
how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all
of you stare at the door."
The
jury foreman replied, "Oh, we all looked, but your client didn't."
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[72]
Fresh
out of business school, a young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now
he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he
had started himself.
"I
need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly,
I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse
me?" the accountant said.
"I
worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have
to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my
back."
"I
see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll
start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty
thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed.
"How
can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That,"
the owner said, "is your first worry."
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[73]
Three
guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St.
Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven... don't step on the
ducks."
So
they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is
almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to
avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with
the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them
together
and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity
chained to this ugly woman!"
The
next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St.
Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The
third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity
to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months
without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the
most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on...a very tall, tan, curvaceous,
sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The
guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all
of eternity?"
She
says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
____________________________
[74]
Two
guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama.
They
were so confident going into the final that two days before, they decided to go
up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a great
time. However, they overslept and didn't make it back to Alabama until the
morning of the exam.
Rather
than take the final, they found their professor afterward to explain why they
missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of
Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but
that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and
couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus.
The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on
the following day. The two guys were relieved. They studied that night and went
in the next day for the final. The professor placed them in separate rooms, and
handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They
looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points. It was something simple.
"Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy." They each
did that problem and then turned the page.
Question
#2 said: "Which tire?" (95 Points).
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[75]
A
man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the
bar was closing. So the man stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He
tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and
get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once
outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4
blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat
on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached
his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull
himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as
soon as his head hit the pillow.
He
was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What
makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The
pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
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