Angel's Craft
Jokes to Tickle Your Funny Bone
#76 - 100
[76]
Hillary
Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
She
asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St.
Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh,"
said Hillary, "who's clock is that?"
"That's
Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a
lie."
"Whose
clock is that?"
"That's
Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe
only told 2 lies in his entire life."
Hillary
asked, "Where's Bill's clock?"
"Bill's
clock is in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."
____________________________
[77]
Sherlock
Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson,
look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson
replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What
does that tell you?"
Watson
ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it
tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a
quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we
are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically,
it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes
is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has
stolen our tent."
____________________________
[78]
A
Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London. The waiter
says, "Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as
there is a shortage."
The
Texan said, "What's a shortage?"
The
Russian said, "What's a steak?"
The
New Yorker said, "What's excuse me?"
____________________________
[79]
A
burglar needing money to pay his income taxes decided to rob the safe in a
store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading,
"Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the
knob." He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire
premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.
As
the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning, "My
confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."
____________________________
[80]
When
I was younger I hated going to weddings ... it seemed that all of my aunts and
all the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs, cackle,
and tell me, 'You're next.'
They
stopped that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
____________________________
[81]
A
man is speeding with his car, doing 110 m/h on the highway, he suddenly is
stopped by a highway trooper.
The
trooper comes up to the man and says: “Sir, may I please see your license and
registration papers?”
Says
the man, I'm sorry but I don't have a drivers license, I just never applied for
one.
“What??”
says the trooper?? “What about your registration papers then??”
The
man replies, “I think I saw some lying in the glove compartment when I laid my
gun in there.’
“What??”
The trooper replies?? “A gun in the car??” (reaching for his own gun)
“Yes,”
the man says,” the gun I used to steal this car... I had to shoot a woman for
it and hid her body in the trunk....”
The
trooper tells the man to remain seated, since he doesn’t think it safe to
arrest him all by himself and runs back to his car and immediately calls in for
a SWAT team. Within minutes, the man’s car is surrounded by a whole team of
SWAT....
The
SWAT leader walks up to the car and asks the man for his drivers license and
registration. The man hands them both to the swat leader... A little surprised
that they both are in order, the SWAT leader asks him if he may have a look in
the glove department... but, there is no gun in the glove department.... To be
sure, he asks the man if he will pop the trunk so he can check out if there is
a corpse in there... but.... No corpse in there....
The
SWAT leader walks back to the man and tells him: “The trooper told us, you
didn’t have a drivers license, nor registration papers, he told us you had a
gun in the glove department and a dead woman in the trunk of your car...”
The
man says: “What?? That fantastic!!! He probably also told you I was
speeding........”
____________________________
[82]
An
enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory.
He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she
has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the
carpet.
He
says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up,
I'll eat every chunk of it."
She
turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The
salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She
says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on
yet."
____________________________
[83]
A man decides to take the opportunity, while
his wife is away, to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than
expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is distraught about
this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large
overcoat and they go.
When
they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their
predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this
before?"
"Well
yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."
____________________________
[84]
A
schoolteacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper
part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On
the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself
assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking
confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible
and then busied himself with deskwork.
When
a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie
to his chest.
He
had no discipline problems with any of his students that term.
____________________________
[85]
One
night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God
bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The
father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The
next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The
father reassured himself that it was just
a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The
next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta
ta, Grandma."
The
father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next
morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really
scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night.
And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta,
Daddy."
Now
the father was getting really upset and began pulling out his hair. He stayed
up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his
health was fine.
When
he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we
could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this
morning!"
____________________________
[86]
A
teacher asks her students if they were Oakland Athletics fans. All of the hands
go up except for one student.
"Okay,
Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"The
New York Yankees."
"Why's
that?"
"Well,
my parents are both Yankee fans, so I'm a Yankee fan too."
"That's
not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a
moron too?"
"No,
that would make me an Athletics fan!"
____________________________
[87]
"Hello,
is this the RCMP?"
"Yes.
What do you want?"
"I'm
calling to report about my neighbour, Mike Fitzpatrick! He is hiding marijuana
inside his firewood."
"Thank
you very much for the call, sir."
The
next day, the RCMP officers descended on Mike's house.
They
searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, the busted open
every piece of wood but found no marijuana.
They
swore at Mike and left.
The
phone rang at Mike's house.
"Hey,
Mike! Did the RCMP come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did
they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy
Birthday Buddy!"
____________________________
[88]
Two
blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at
that dog with one eye!"
The
other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"
____________________________
[89]
Three
men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The
first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him
curiously.
"That's
my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my
arm."
A
few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear. When
he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my
hand."
The
third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes
he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear. The others raise
their eyebrows. "I'm getting a Fax," he explains.
____________________________
[90]
This
guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a
speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The
speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The
speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."
Then,
out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba
gear.
She
comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a
cigarette?"
"Ten
years!", he says.
She
reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a
pack of fresh cigarettes.
He
takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that
good!"
Then
she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of
whiskey?"
He
replies, "Ten years!"
She
reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a
flask and gives it to him.
He
takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then
she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit
and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL
fun?"
And
the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in
there!"
____________________________
[91]
I've been taking martial arts classes and they are
great. It teaches you how to be as powerful as a tiger, as quick as a monkey,
and as smart as a dragon. Just the other day, these guys came up to me with a
knife and demanded some money. So, I turned into a chicken and ran!
____________________________
[92]
We have all been to those meetings where someone
wants more than 100%. Well here's how
you do that. Here's how you can achieve 103%.
First of all, here's a little math that might prove helpful in the
future.
How does one achieve 100% in LIFE? Begin by noting
the following:
IF:
A = 1, B = 2, C = 3, D = 4, E = 5, F = 6, G = 7, H
= 8, I = 9, J = 10, K = 11, L = 12, M = 13, N = 14, O = 15, P = 16, Q = 17, R =
18, S - 19, T = 20, U = 21, V = 22, W = 23, X = 24, Y = 25 and Z = 26
Then:
K N O W L E D G E
is 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =
Only 96 %
Similarly:
H A R D W O R K
is 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only
98 %
But interesting (and as you'd expect),
A T T I T U D E
is 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100 %
But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO NOTE ~ This is how you
achieve 100% in LIFE.
B U L L S H I T
is 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103
%
So now you know what all those motivational
speakers really mean when they want you to exceed 100 %
____________________________
[93]
This guy loved living in Staten Island, but he
wasn't crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to
spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.
So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen
feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait.
He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised
maybe, but safe on deck.
He got up, brushed himself off, and announced
proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?"
"Sure did," the bystander said. "But
you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."
____________________________
[94]
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Cuban were
exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut,
awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says to them, "The bad
news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use
your skins to build a canoe. The good news
is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison."
The chief gives him some poison, then the Frenchman says, "Vive la
France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me,
please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says,
"God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The Cuban says, "Gimme a fork." The chief
is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The Cuban takes the fork and
starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest,
everywhere.
There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible.
The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"
The Cuban looks at the chief and says, "So
much for your freakin' canoe, buddy!!!"
____________________________
[95]
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his
eye:
$100 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very
unusual to sell a Porsche for $100, and he thought it might be a joke or a
typo. He soon decided it was worth a shot. He went to the lady's house and sure
enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it
for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran
perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.
"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for
only $100?"
"My husband just ran off with his secretary,
and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his
Porsche and sent him the money."
____________________________
[96]
A bum asked a man on the street for two dollars.
"Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to
which the bum replies, "No."
"Will you gamble it away?" Once again the
bum replies, "No."
"Will you make bets at the golf course?"
Once again the bum replies "No, I don't play golf"
Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me
so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf
____________________________
[97]
Toward the end of our senior year in high school,
we were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known
mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this
Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case.
The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed,
one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all
right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for
breathing.
Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed,
"She said she can't feel her legs!"
____________________________
[98]
A man goes to his doctor for a complete
checkup. He hasn't been feeling well
and wants to find out if he's ill.
After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the
examination.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying
and you don't have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible! How long have I
got?" the man asks.
"10.." says the doctor.
"10?
10 what? Months? Weeks?
What?!" he asks
desperately.
"10... 9... 8... 7..."
____________________________
[99]
A lawyer died and went to heaven. St. Peter met him
at the Pearly Gates with a host of Angels and ushered him into heaven ahead of
everyone else.
The lawyer asked, "Why all this special
treatment?"
St. Peter replied, "We don't get very many of
your profession up here."
____________________________
[100]
An old hearing-impaired gentleman was visiting his
doctor. The doctor just informed him warned to be careful, as he had a heart
murmur.
The doctor was therefore most surprised to see the
old fellow out on the town, whooping it up. He got his attention and took him
aside. "Don't you remember what I told you the other day?!" he
inquired.
"Oh, I surely do." the old gent replied.
"Best dang advice I ever had. I did just as you said. I got me a hot mama
and I'm cheerful!"
____________________________
This background created by me ~ check out AngelBreath
Background Designs