POSITION: Parent
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging
permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess
excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work various
hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on
call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping
sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities.
Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: This is for the rest of your
life. Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5
to go skating. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess
the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in
three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not
someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical
challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and
stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate
production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and
organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be
willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle
assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and
battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the
worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end
product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance
and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION FOR: Virtually none. Your job is
to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly
retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can
ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required,
unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering
frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this
reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do
more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, job supplies
limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play
your cards right.
Courtesy of Sherry
HOW TO KNOW WHETHER YOU'RE READY TO HAVE KIDS
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