TODDLER
MIRACLE DIET
People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble
with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you
don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat
diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets or quit after 3 days.
Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.
Over the years you may have noticed that most 2 year olds are
trim. Now, the formula to their success is available to all. You may want to
consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing
him afterwards. Good Luck!!!
DAY ONE:
Breakfast: 1 scrambled egg, 1 piece of toast with grape jelly.
Eat 2 bites of egg using your fingers, dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite
of toast, smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: 4 crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, 1 glass
of milk (3 sips only, spill the rest).
Dinner: 1 dry stick, 2 pennies, 1 nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO:
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.
Drink 1/2 bottle of vanilla extract or 1 vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: 1/2 tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a
handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). 1 ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take
outside, drop it in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean
again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean which should be thrust up
your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes, eat with a spoon.
DAY THREE:
Breakfast: 2 pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat 1 with fingers,
rub in hair. Glass of milk, drink 1/2, stuff other pancake in glass. After
breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on
cushion of best chair.
Lunch: 3 matches, peanut butter & jelly sandwich. Spit
several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red
punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.
FINAL DAY:
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of
soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of corn flakes, add 1/2 cup of
sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room
carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: 1 glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball
on plate. One stick of mascara for dessert.
HOW TO KNOW WHETHER YOU'RE READY TO HAVE KIDS
THINGS I HAVE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN
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