JOKES ~ Battle of the Sexes #1 - 10
[1]
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!' "
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[2]
A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him and says, "You sir, are drunk!"
He looks back at her and says, "And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"
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[3]
A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want to print: Bernie is dead."
The man at the newspaper said, "But for $25 you are allowed to print six words."
The woman answered, "OK. Then print: 'Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale.' "
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[4]
One day, a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job - a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."
"Done!" said the genie. "You're a housewife." (POOF).
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[5]
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.
She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
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[6]
Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve. He would complain about everything. That day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.
At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.
The minister asked "Why are you shaking your head 'yes' for men and 'no' for women?"
Her response was, "The men would say how sorry they felt for me and I was saying, 'Yes, I'll be alright.' When the women walked by, they were asking if the mule is for sale...."
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[7]
A couple has not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."
Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and he doesn't get her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present?"
He says, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
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[8]
A man's car was stalled in the middle of a busy street, and the woman behind him honked continuously as he tried to restart it. Finally, the man got out and walked to the woman's car.
"I can't seem to get my car started," the man said, smiling. "If you'll go and start it for me, I'll stay here and lean on your horn."
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[9]
Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer's office one Monday morning. "I want you to begin divorce proceedings," she announced.
The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said, "Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?"
Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her throat and said, "We wanted to wait until all the children were dead."
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[10]
An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman said, "May I see your license?" The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave him her license.
The patrolman said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"
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