DAM CONTROL or THE WEDDING TRAP
It all started on the fifth day of June at six a.m. when the four of us awoke to a beautiful day with the sun shining brightly. With one untrained pup we proceeded to get ready for our four hour trip up north to my cousin's wedding. We ate, showered, dressed and used the facility before we walked the untrained pup. She did her business quite willingly before we all climbed into the car eager and ready for out trip. Ugh!
The driver had been to a field party the night before and didn't feel well. Too bad! She should have known better at this age I thought.
At 7:45 a.m. we left home.
Twenty minutes into the drive and we stopped at a Tim Horton's drive through for a much needed coffee fix. Yum! It really tasted good! Then we proceeded eastward across highway number eight-nine, back on our route for the rest of the three hour and forty minute trip.
Fifteen minutes later, a quick swerve to the right side of the road and the driver jumped out to disgorge her still undigested coffee. I was surely glad she was out of the car.
Back on the road and the driver's colour now an iridescent bilious green. She seemed to feel a little better. Is this a moment to remind her that I told her so? But maybe not? Silently I thought.
Half an hour later and the untrained pup whined so we pulled over to let her do her business. We walked her for fifteen minutes but she was unproductive! We used this time for a pit stop for ourselves instead.
Almost another hour later and we found ourselves at our usual stop at the corners of highways eight-nine and the four hundred. We grabbed water, found relief, walked the unproductive pup again and climbed into the car going northbound on the four lane hyper-link roadway. We were heading toward the land of great weight loss from the flesh sucking vampirous black flies. Everyone, quite crusty from the early rise, distributed vocal explosive remarks at each other, setting the mood for the day.
Two and a half hours later, with all family member's body parts still intact, we arrived at Grandma and Grandpa's house. The wiggling and still whiny, unproductive, non-obliging, nippy little pup got out of the car and relieved herself then and there. Both jobs. She must have recognized this as a friendly family member's yard. I left it right there since fertilizer is hard to come by up there.
We each grabbed our gear and invaded the house just barely on speaking terms. Wow! Grandma as cooking lunch for us. Great! It's not very often that lunch is made for me. I usually have to initiate it. What a treat, even if it is only hot dogs.
Wrinkled clothes are out of fashion, so I ironed them all.
Time was running out on this very hot day, so we put on our still steaming clothes, jumped into the car, transfered the pup into Grandma and Grandpa's good care, and left - ready for the rest of the peaceful day.
OH. No. I forgot to go! The distance to the site of the ceremony grounds was further than we thought, even though the map that came with the invitation stated that it was shorter. The map was wrong!
We arrived at five minutes to three. The ceremony was at three so we parked and headed in the direction that the attendant directed us. We scooted past several cottages before arriving at the far end of the peninsula where the service was to take place. I felt exhausted from the jog, especially in high heels that now felt like cement blocks due to the fact that the spikes were carrying about ten pounds each of stuck on dirt. I prayed that I would have enough strength in my legs after the jog to keep the shoes on as I walked around to find a chair to sit down on, and hide my feet under.
The ceremony was to be held at the end of the peninsula on Loon Lake which provided a very picturesque view this time of year. The actual name of the peninsula was Sunrise Point for obvious reasons, but I think now that Loony Point would have been a far better name.
Ten past three, and the service hadn't started yet. There were maybe twenty people on the groom's side and only the four of us on the bride's. Strange I thought, but was quite sure the other guests would arrive at any moment.
As I started to relax from my long distance run, I felt nature calling. What do I always tell my kids at this point? "YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE BEFORE WE LEFT THE HOUSE." Oh well, it won't be long now, so I thought.
Thinking of nature, it was all around us in great abundance, creating beauty in the outdoors. Quite a place for beautiful memories to be made for the bride and groom, so I thought. Swat! I killed a mosquito. Then another, and another dive bombed me. Then the black flies started to take advantage of us, being the fresh meat that had newly arrived. Sweat, as my new fragrance, just attracted more than I had bargained for in the mighty jaws that awaited my succulent uncovered skin. There were more bugs than anyone could stand.
Weight Watchers could make a bundle up here from people wanting to lose pounds the fast and easy way. This was much cheaper than booking time in the E.R. at the expense of insurance and the already stressed medical system. I'd better not tell anyone about this, I decided, as they might tell the Minister of Health and he would save millions, whereas I could make billions if I sold my idea to Weight Watchers. If only I could first figure out how I could harness these little critters so that they could not fly away.
A person being bitten by the little vampires in certain areas could not scratch or hit at oneself without being called a pervert. A few pounds lighter and another hour later, the groom arrived. He started to decorate the black dull trellis.
Confused, I inconspicuously tried to look at what my invitation stated. Yup! Three o'clock was written on it.
Finally the groom was finished decorating the trellis and the guests on his side of the aisle were staring at us. I wondered if it was because we were sitting on the bride's side and she was an hour and a fifteen minutes late or because I was fidgeting around so much? Maybe they thought I had some nervous disorder? Little did they realize I was holding back the Hoover Dam!
Four-thirty and the bride and her maids finally arrived. Then they proceeded down the aisle. The little ring bearer was ouch-ing and ow-ing the whole way up the dirt aisle. His shoes were too small. Poor little chap, I thought, as I squirmed in my seat.
I began hoping the ceremony would be a short one so that I could find relief from my intense call from nature. Besides, the invitation said the dinner was to follow at 5 p.m. - they had half an hour. Finally the event started …NO! I mean matrimonial service. The extra fluid must be backing up into my brain for me to think like that. The ordeal was at least half finished. Pardon me, I mean service.
At some point I stopped listening to the service. I was absorbed in my despair. Then I realized the service had come to a standstill. I focused enough through water filled eyes to notice the bride turn and run down the 'aisle' to the furthest cottage from Sunrise Point! She had stopped the service just to go to the bathroom. I was envious and wanted to follow her. To top things off, the bride's maid and ring bearer suddenly turned and ran off down the 'aisle' as well, with him ouch-ing and ow-ing the whole way. Why didn't they just let the kid take his shoes off? It would have been faster.
Twenty minutes later and the bride and her companions returned to carry on the ordeal. By this time I could no longer focus my eyes - they were bulging I am sure from holding back the Denver Dam.
Finally it was all over.
They were married and we hurridly spoke our congratulations and headed out to town for the dinner and reception that was to follow - about a twenty-five minute ride away. I began to pray there were no bumps in the road, as I didn't have a change of clothes with me. We arrived at the Legion Hall in town. I got out of the car and made a bee line straight for the ladies room, and found relief from my dam.
Geeeeeeeeeeeeee!
As I waited for the dam waters to quit releasing I was thinking that I could teach the pup that we left at the Grandparent's house a bit about dam control, but then I started to wonder if she hadn't taught me. I just knew that this was the start of a more peaceful evening. With a few drinks, a nice supper, and a little dancing … or so I thought. The start of a whole new saga. But for now I noticed there was no toilet paper, and no one in the building within calling distance. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Written by Bonnie
Note:
Bonnie is my real sister and we share the same quirky and hilarious sense of humour. :} Believe me, what she wrote here is about a real wedding for a cousin. Hmmm, on the other hand, maybe I shouldn't admit to that? LOL I am trying to persuade my sister to write about the dinner that followed. You might want to have your hankies ready for more tears of laughter for the events that followed. Instead of a dinner waiting for us we found nothing prepared and my sister and myself volunteered to help our aunt prepare the cold platter meal while wearing our wedding finery. ;)
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