Jokes to Tickle Your Funny Bone #11 - 20
[11]
A carpet layer had worked all day installing wall-to-wall carpeting. When he noticed a lump under the carpet in the middle of the living room, he felt his shirt pocket for his cigarettes--they were gone.
He was not about to pull the carpet back up, so he went outside for a two-by-four. Stamping down cigarettes with it would be easy. Once the lump was smoothed, the man gathered up his tools and carried them to his truck.
Then two things happened simultaneously. He saw his cigarettes on the seat of the truck, and over his shoulder he heard the voice of the woman to whom the carpet belonged. "Have you seen anything of my parakeet? He got out of his cage." she asked plaintively.
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[12]
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh...the Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
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[13]
A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.
"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 24 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, and a steak lover. It's $500,000."
"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"
"Yeah, but it's from a lawyer and never been used."
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[14]
Two men were riding a motorcycle on a windy winter day. When it became too breezy for one man, he put his jacket on backwards to keep the wind from blowing it open.
A few miles down the road, the motorcycle hit a tree, killing the driver and stunning the man with the backward coat.
Later, when the coroner visited the scene, he asked a rookie policeman standing nearby: "What happened?"
"Well, the officer replied, "one of them was dead when I got here, and by the time I got the head of the other one straightened around, he was dead, too."
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[15]
One day, at a local restaurant, a woman suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads and squeezed. Out popped the quarter.
The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you so much!" the mother cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man, "I work for the IRS."
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[16]
Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said.
"You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Joe said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.
The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Again Joe replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.
Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the..." and the power went out and Joe didn't get the rest of the instructions.
He turned to Joan, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Joan?"
Joan replied, "Aw, Joe, just leave the car in the darned garage today."
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[17]
70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off."
"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"
Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
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[18]
3 guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."
The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?"
The first guy says, "24 years."
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "Yes, but that's not very good. Here's a Pinto to drive."
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter.
The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."
The 3rd guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"
A few days later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"
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[19]
Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was "fill in the blank" and the last question read, "Old MacDonald had a_____." Bubba was stumped -- he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder. "Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed. He turned to Bubba and said, "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba, "I remember now." he picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy," hissed Tiny, "farm is spelled 'E-I-E-I-O'."
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[20]
St. Peter met three men at the pearly gates after they died. St. Peter asked the first man if he had ever cheated on his income taxes and the man said, 'yes, he had for several years' so St. Peter told him that for his punishment he would have to sleep with a really ugly woman for the next ten years.
St. Peter then asked the next man the same question - the second man also said, 'yes, he had for a couple of years' so St. Peter told him he would have to sleep with a real ugly woman for the next seven years as his punishment.
When he asked the third man he said, 'yes, he had too but only once' so St. Peter told the man he would have to sleep with an ugly woman as punishment for the next three years.
So each of the men were given an ugly woman to sleep and have sex with.
The three men decided to hang out together and a few days later as they were walking along they came across an old friend named Archie with the most gorgeous woman they had ever seen. They went up to talk to their friend and asked him how he was doing as they all eyed the gorgeous woman.
Archie said he couldn't believe heaven could ever be so good. He'd had a gorgeous woman to go to bed with every night for the past five years and said with a wink that, 'you know,' was something he had every night.
He winked his eye again and said he was having the best, 'you know', he had ever had in his life since coming to heaven. Archie said the only problem was, that after, 'you know', he'd swear that she'd roll over and mumble something that sounded like 'damn income taxes'.
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