Jokes to Tickle Your Funny Bone #91 -100
[91]
I've been taking martial arts classes and they are great. It teaches you how to be as powerful as a tiger, as quick as a monkey, and as smart as a dragon. Just the other day, these guys came up to me with a knife and demanded some money. So, I turned into a chicken and ran!
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[92]
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%. Well here's how you do that. Here's how you can achieve 103%. First of all, here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future.
How does one achieve 100% in LIFE? Begin by noting the following:
IF:
A = 1, B = 2, C = 3, D = 4, E = 5, F = 6, G = 7, H = 8, I = 9, J = 10, K = 11, L = 12, M = 13, N = 14, O = 15, P = 16, Q = 17, R = 18, S - 19, T = 20, U = 21, V = 22, W = 23, X = 24, Y = 25 and Z = 26
Then:
K N O W L E D G E is 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96 %
Similarly:
H A R D W O R K is 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only 98 %
But interesting (and as you'd expect),
A T T I T U D E is 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100 %
But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO NOTE ~ This is how you achieve 100% in LIFE.
B U L L S H I T is 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103 %
So now you know what all those motivational speakers really mean when they want you to exceed 100 %
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[93]
This guy loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.
So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.
He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?"
"Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."
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[94]
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Cuban were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says to them, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, then the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The Cuban says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The Cuban takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.
There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"
The Cuban looks at the chief and says, "So much for your freakin' canoe, buddy!!!"
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[95]
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye:
$100 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $100, and he thought it might be a joke or a typo. He soon decided it was worth a shot. He went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.
"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $100?"
"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."
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[96]
A bum asked a man on the street for two dollars.
"Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the bum replies, "No."
"Will you gamble it away?" Once again the bum replies, "No."
"Will you make bets at the golf course?" Once again the bum replies "No, I don't play golf"
Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf
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[97]
Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case.
The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.
Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"
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[98]
A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible! How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10.." says the doctor.
"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.
"10... 9... 8... 7..."
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[99]
A lawyer died and went to heaven. St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates with a host of Angels and ushered him into heaven ahead of everyone else.
The lawyer asked, "Why all this special treatment?"
St. Peter replied, "We don't get very many of your profession up here."
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[100]
An old hearing-impaired gentleman was visiting his doctor. The doctor just informed him warned to be careful, as he had a heart murmur.
The doctor was therefore most surprised to see the old fellow out on the town, whooping it up. He got his attention and took him aside. "Don't you remember what I told you the other day?!" he inquired.
"Oh, I surely do." the old gent replied. "Best dang advice I ever had. I did just as you said. I got me a hot mama and I'm cheerful!"
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