Jokes to Tickle Your Funny Bone #81 - 90
[81]
A man is speeding with his car, doing 110 m/h on the highway, he suddenly is stopped by a highway trooper.
The trooper comes up to the man and says: “Sir, may I please see your license and registration papers?”
Says the man, I'm sorry but I don't have a drivers license, I just never applied for one.
“What??” says the trooper?? “What about your registration papers then??”
The man replies, “I think I saw some lying in the glove compartment when I laid my gun in there.’
“What??” The trooper replies?? “A gun in the car??” (reaching for his own gun)
“Yes,” the man says,” the gun I used to steal this car... I had to shoot a woman for it and hid her body in the trunk....”
The trooper tells the man to remain seated, since he doesn’t think it safe to arrest him all by himself and runs back to his car and immediately calls in for a SWAT team. Within minutes, the man’s car is surrounded by a whole team of SWAT....
The SWAT leader walks up to the car and asks the man for his drivers license and registration. The man hands them both to the swat leader... A little surprised that they both are in order, the SWAT leader asks him if he may have a look in the glove department... but, there is no gun in the glove department.... To be sure, he asks the man if he will pop the trunk so he can check out if there is a corpse in there... but.... No corpse in there....
The SWAT leader walks back to the man and tells him: “The trooper told us, you didn’t have a drivers license, nor registration papers, he told us you had a gun in the glove department and a dead woman in the trunk of your car...”
The man says: “What?? That fantastic!!! He probably also told you I was speeding........”
____________________________
[82]
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
____________________________
[83]
A man decides to take the opportunity, while his wife is away, to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."
____________________________
[84]
A schoolteacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with deskwork.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no discipline problems with any of his students that term.
____________________________
[85]
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was getting really upset and began pulling out his hair. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine.
When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
____________________________
[86]
A teacher asks her students if they were Oakland Athletics fans. All of the hands go up except for one student.
"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"The New York Yankees."
"Why's that?"
"Well, my parents are both Yankee fans, so I'm a Yankee fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?"
"No, that would make me an Athletics fan!"
____________________________
[87]
"Hello, is this the RCMP?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Mike Fitzpatrick! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the RCMP officers descended on Mike's house.
They searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, the busted open every piece of wood but found no marijuana.
They swore at Mike and left.
The phone rang at Mike's house.
"Hey, Mike! Did the RCMP come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday Buddy!"
____________________________
[88]
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"
____________________________
[89]
Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him curiously.
"That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear. The others raise their eyebrows. "I'm getting a Fax," he explains.
____________________________
[90]
This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
____________________________
This background created by me ~ check out AngelBreath Designs
