Jokes to Tickle Your Funny Bone #41 - 50
[41]
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
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[42]
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged. Before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink and blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
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[43]
In San Francisco, a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into a local branch and wrote, "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and that they might call the police before he even reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it, noticing all of his spelling errors. She quickly surmised that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor.
Then she told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
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[44]
Nick and Lou head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Nick says to Lou, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Lou agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Lou is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
"Help me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Nick. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Lou pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.
Nick looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"
"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"
"And a liar, too!" Nick says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"
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[45]
A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!"
POOF!
A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once.
Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside."
POOF!
Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.
He then tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
POOF!
He's back in his government office.
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[46]
Dentist to Patient: "Would you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?"
Patient: "Why, Doc? It isn't all that bad this time."
Dentist: "There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 5 o'clock football game."
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[47]
Only in America ... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
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[48]
Two old friends met on the street and one invited the other to dinner. "We live in apartment 12B," he said. "Just lean on the bell with your elbow."
"Why should I use my elbow?" the other asked.
"You weren't thinking of coming empty-handed, were you?"
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[49]
Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...' "
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[50]
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.
The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden.
He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?" "Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
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